Self-Help Articles

10 Keys To Happiness
by: Randi Glatzer

The Happiness Prescription

From: Reader's Digest Feature
By Randi Glatzer
Randi Glatzer is a contributing editor who frequently writes about women's mental health issues. She lives in New York City.

 

What does it take to be happy?

It's a question that has been pondered for centuries by everyone from philosophers and theologians to psychologists and people who are just plain perplexed. But whether it was Aristotle or your aunt, those thinkers didn't have hard data to back their ideas. "People have mouthed off about happiness and the good life for years, "says Martin E.P. Seligman, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and the author of Learned Optimism.

Until now Dr. Seligman has become the force behind a new movement to study people's strengths, not just their weaknesses. And understanding what makes people joyful, resilient and content is important not only because being happy is a pleasant way to live your life, but because happiness is actually a health issue. It protects against stress -- the pervasive tension that's linked to such top killers as heart attacks and strokes -- and helps you live longer and better. Research from Harvard Medical School has found that women 100 years and older share a common trait: They're not plagued by negative feelings such as anger, guilt, fear, and sadness, says Margery Hutter Silver, Ed.D., a clinical instructor of psychology at Harvard and coauthor of Living to 100. "We have seen a lot of centenarians, and our observation has been that positive, optimistic people live longer," says Dr. Silver.

With that promise in mind, we sifted through new findings about happiness and talked to top experts to find out how you can capture this elusive emotion.

Know that Happiness Is an Inside Job

"Enduring happiness doesn't come from being rich and famous," says David Myers, Ph.D., author of The Pursuit of Happiness and a professor of psychology at Hope College in Holland, MI. In fact, his research has shown that happiness has almost no correlation to social status, income, gender or skin color. The National Opinion Research Center (NORC) in Chicago has been surveying people on their feelings of well-being since 1957. They found that 30% of people now describe themselves as "very happy," compared with 35% in 1957. The clincher: Americans now make twice as much money.

So if money's not the key, what is? Personality, says Daniel K. Mroczek, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at Fordham University in New York City. The devastating impact that events can have on you -- whether it's a divorce or the death of a loved one -- really depends on your ability to learn to observe your reactions and improve your perspective from the inside out. Keep reading to learn more.

Reach for Your Ceiling

Although there is no one "happiness gene," says Dr. Seligman, our genes do play some role in our level of contentedness. But it's up to us to reach our potential. David Lykken, Ph.D., Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, has studied thousands of twins and the genetics of happiness. He has found that ""we all have our own 'genetic steersman', who guides us into the situations that are natural for us -- but still make us unhappy. The key is to not follow him," says Dr. Lykken, who recently published the book Happiness, which recants his previous statement that trying to be happier is counterproductive.

For instance, if your mother was afraid to take adventures, you may sense the same fearful tendencies in yourself. But instead of being a recluse, you can push yourself to face head-on the situations that frighten you, whether it means braving a party by yourself or spending a weekend rock climbing. Gradually, your fears will fade.

Feel Healthy

When asked what's important in their lives, most people say "good health." But it's not clear if people who are healthy are always happy. In studies conducted over the past two decades, researchers asked people how satisfied they were with their lives. Then they compared the answers with doctors' assessments. Researchers consistently found almost no connection between whether a person was actually healthy (according to her M.D.) and whether she considered herself happy and satisfied with life.

Surprisingly, there was a strong connection between a person's perception of health and whether she felt satisfied with her life. In fact, a 1991 study conducted at the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands found that people who were severely ill yet content with their lives considered themselves only slightly less happy than people with no real health problems. What's even more interesting is that researchers have found that people who regularly experience a lot of negative emotions tend to recall their health as being worse than it actually was. In other words, if you're feeling rotten about life, you may be recalling stomachaches that never really happened.

One of the best ways to alter a grumpy mood is to exercise. But before you head out for that grueling jog, remember that relaxing is just as important as a hard-core workout, says Dr. Myers. Meditation, prayer, yoga and solitary walks can be just as beneficial to your mental health as vigorous exercise.

Feed Your Sense of Hope

You can train yourself to look on the bright side, says Dr. Seligman. It's just a matter of changing your expectations.

Dr. Seligman's thesis is that if you see everything that goes wrong as being permanent (things are going to be this bad forever); pervasive (this is going to wreck everything I do); and personal (it's all my fault); you're more likely to feel blue and worried. Instead, try to view your problems as temporary (this will pass); limited (this problem affects only one, specific part of my life); and impersonal (it wasn't my fault).

"One centenarian told me he'd learned early in life that worry didn't help," says Dr. Silver. "So he decided to be a fun guy.' I certainly have taken his lesson to heart. When I'm beginning to look at something in a gloomy way and worry about it, I try to turn it around in my own head and see the funny or less serious side of it." The centenarians' positive expectations about the future helped them cope with difficult personal losses, including the death of their spouses, children and closest friends, adds Dr. Silver. ""It's not that they don't grieve or feel sad. But they grieve or feel sad and they move on. They don't get stuck."

Nurture Your Spiritual Side

Studies have consistently shown that people with some kind of religious connection --especially those affiliated with a religious organization, such as a church, synagogue or mosque -- are happier than those who don't worship with a group. When you're part of a network of people who come together in one of the country's 350,000 local faith communities, you find support and get a more timeless perspective on life, says Dr. Myers.

A recent poll of 32,000 Americans by NORC found that 45% of those who attended religious services several times a week described themselves as being "very happy," while only 25% of those who attended less than once a month considered themselves to be "very happy."

It may be that prayers encourage people to develop a hopeful attitude. Or it may be that religious singing, chanting, meditation, and dance quiets a harassed mind and fosters joy.

How Satisfied Are You?

Stave Off Loneliness. If you're lonely, you're likely to be unhappy. Researchers in 1967 discovered that married people are happier than those who remain single --and the results have been verified time and again. ""Creating a strong friendship with your partner is the best insurance against divorce, "says John Gottman, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle, and cofounder of the Gottman Institute. He has spent decades studying hundreds of couples (which he has chronicled in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) and found that for both men and women, 70% of the quality of sex, passion and romance is directly related to the quality of marital friendship.

It's okay to fight, says Dr. Gottman, but you then need to make an effort to repair the damage. ""In good marriages, each partner turns toward the other, and one partner makes a bid for connection. These moments are the building blocks of romance." One couple he studied could argue on and on. And then, suddenly, they stuck their tongues out at each others, turning a heated argument into a gigglefest, underscoring how much of a friendship they had despite their disagreements.

Many of Dr. Silver's centenarians had never married -- but neither were they alone. ""They had wonderful social networks," she says. ""Those who didn't have families created their own families out of friends."

Be Agreeable

The happiest people are those who are able to avoid constant arguments, let go of resentments and therefore build close relationships. ""But being agreeable doesn't mean that you just lie down and have the word welcome written across your forehead. It does mean making an effort to get along with others and understanding their point of view," says Kristina DeNeve, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor University in Waco, TX, who did an analysis of 148 studies that examined personality traits and happiness. (She published her findings last year.)

If you already consider yourself agreeable but still have a hard time getting close to others, you need to examine your trust level -- the other trait that Dr. DeNeve found to be closely linked with happiness. ""We may have a good reason not to trust people," she says, speaking clearly to any of us who've ever been through a divorce, a friend's betrayal, a rotten breakup or an imperfect childhood. ""But people who can trust others anyway seem to be happier." According to a 1992 study that linked trust to well-being, you can grow more trusting by changing your approach to people: Try to attribute good motives to people and assume that they're being nice to you because they're caring, not because they're duplicitous and manipulative. This small change can make an enormous difference.

Put Yourself in the Driver's Seat

Having a feeling of control plays a big role in being happy, says Dr. DeNeve. In one classic study, nursing home residents who were given their own plants to tend and nurture were happier than those whose plants were watered and pruned by someone else. Similarly, another study found that people who were able to flick a switch to turn off a loud noise were more content than people without access to a switch. Interestingly, the first group generally never bothered to turn it off, simply knowing that they could do so made them feel okay.

Don't know how to gain a sense of power? Therapy can help patients harness a sense of control, says Dr. DeNeve. Good therapists help you see what part you play in what happens to you and how you can take responsibility for your life. Even more important, therapists can teach you that there are many ways to solve a problem, they help you see your choices. ""You may not be able to stop your husband from doing something that drives you nuts, but you can learn to control your reaction to it," says Dr.DeNeve.

Focus. Focus. Focus.

Losing yourself in an activity, whether it's ice-skating, painting or preparing for a presentation at work, promotes a contented state called 'flow,' says Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Ph.D., author of Flow and a professor of psychology at Claremont (CA) Graduate University. "We ought to pay more attention to what makes us feel involved, what gives us joy," says Dr. Csikszentmihalyi, "instead of wasting so much time doing things we don't really like to do."

To experience flow, concentrate on the project itself and not the outcome. The joy comes more from working toward goals, Dr. Csikszentmihalyi says, rather than meeting them. He cites an old Chinese curse: "May you reach all your goals." Having something to strive for is a blessing.

Women in particular think their time is already stretched to the limit, but Dr. Csikszentmihalyi believes you can stretch it even more: Cut down your TV hours or let the dishes go unwashed for an extra hour. When women ask him, "Don't you feel guilty when you get so involved in something that you forget everything else?" he answers, "The kids need you. Your husband needs you. The house needs cleaning. I understand that, but you can go overboard. You are responsible to yourself to live to the fullest of your potential. Don't limit yourself to being a robot."

Still feeling guilty about putting your needs --and your happiness -- first? Giving your goals personal meaning may help. A study published last year in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that the kinds of goals you set and meet need to be close to your heart in order for them to have some sort of real payback. Researcher, Ian McGregor, Ph.D., Assistant Professor of Psychology at York University in Toronto, says he set out to test the age-old notion that integrity is a means toward satisfaction in life. While surveying university students about their personal projects and goals (losing weight, succeeding in a course, visiting their families), he found that students whose goals reflected some strong personal values felt a greater sense of achievement and happiness.

Get Older

The stereotypes may be that older people are grumpy and crotchety and spend all their time thinking about the past. But research shows that people aren't less happy as they get older and that, in fact, they may become happier as they age. In a recent study, researchers from Fordham University in New York analyzed surveys of 2,727 people between the ages of 25 and 74 and found that the people over 57 were slightly more likely to report feeling happy.

Similarly, Laura Carstensen, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Stanford University, has found that older people are actually more likely to live in the present than younger people. They focus on the here and now, and put their energy into activities that will nourish them emotionally --spending more time with family, close friends and intimate companions -- and less time trying to expand their social network. They're interested in the quality of relationships, not the quantity.

Dr. Mroczek thinks that in our younger years we can try to emulate the calm and measured style of older men and women. We can feel a sense of optimism about aging, which ought to help us feel happier while we're young. Says Dr. Mroczek, "We can look to the future, and know that it will get better."

Brought to you by Reader's Digest Health from the October 1999 issue of American Health magazine. Copyright 1999 RD Publications, Inc. All rights reserved. Brought to you by Reader's Digest Health.com from the October 1999 issue of American Health magazine.